the diaries of my other self.

Don't

Don't think for a fucking second
a fucking second
a second
that you are not part of this continuum
my personal continuum.

Flare up like a flame and make big shadows I can move in.

I seriously can't believe my luck when you send me daily pictures of cranes.

helpless

I don't know how to help the people I love.

"the object of your fascination is less important than your capacity for it."

So maybe I love too much, too soon, too deep. I refuse to feel guilty for that. Foolish, yes, but I so rarely let myself be foolish, that so be it. Let the song touch my heart.

I dreamed of a city in the middle of the desert, called the Truths. I don't know if it was the city or the desert that was called that, or maybe it was both. And it was considered a great honour to die between the Truths. I guess that's where communication dies, between the different truths of two people.

Jerk

That's wasn't me giving you a glimpse that I'm not just a Manic Pixie Dream Girl, that I'm not always all positive and logical and sex positive. That was me pointing out you were just reinforcing a pre-existing pattern in my life that tells I'm not good enough, and I'm definitely not an inspiring muse. But hey, I will keep smiling and being witty, if that's what gets me through the day.

someday I won't think about you until midday

I just hate this feeling, that I would drop everything to be with you, if you only wanted me.

Because I know it's not true (because I have felt it way too many times before, and it passed), and in the core of it is that my live right now doesn't have so much value, or not value enough to stop me changing everything just to defeat any argument that you might have not to want me. And there's so much value in my life, in what I have putted together and builded, in what I have choose to surround myself with, that just makes this feeling very stupid, but still, it's there.

calling the landlord

The ceiling crumbled down.
As far as metaphors go, that's just too easy...

esteem

Every time I feel confident about myself or my work, it just feels wrong. There's a little voice inside me telling me that's a fault in my character. Now that's just fucked up.

And why do I need so much outside validation, if it doesn't change the validation I give myself?

I dealt with it

That whole situation that stabbed at the scar of the past betrayals, I sort it out, all by myself, with no help (definitely no help from you). And that makes me feel strong, independent, that as long as what's hurting is inside of me, I can deal with it, I can change. Because I can't change what hurts me from the outside/reality, but I have all the power in the world to change what's inside of me.

But then I think how much I miss the idea of being with you, and I don't feel so strong or independent, but neither I feel weak and depended. I feel… Romantic? That same feeling that I through it had been killed off with my dealings. And it's still there, and yeah, it makes me sad and it hurts me, but I don't want to change that, because I didn't think I would be able to feel like this again.

Maybe

..."very high probability of never cheating on me" has gained too much priority (nothing more trustworthy than a divorce trauma, I should know)

...my internal dialogues have gone so far that external validation has become unnecessary, meaning I'm completely self sufficient on my own storyline and others are only props.

...maybe I'm setting myself another trap.

...maybe I just gave up.

...maybe I made the right choice?

it's mine

I have been feeling so amazingly happy with my body lately, and (I think, and hope) that feeling comes so disconnected from any outside sources, just makes it even better.

and I was afraid of writing about this, but the purest truth is that I hope you feel like this some day, at whatever weight or situation, because, you know, you are fucking amazing.

Ms Pink

your wrappings piss the fuck out of me, seriously.

Lies

It's not true that I dump every guy that treads me right.
I dump the ones that only tread me superficially right, but actually give no consideration to my individual characteristics and needs. It's too easy being the nice guy.

"the pathway to me is guarded by intricate tests like this one and i watch in amusement as people mostly stumble over them. "

you think just because we had sex, that the path is clear now. What kind of bizarre logic is that?

I get it, for most people, letting their guard down equals sex. But not me, and that makes me feel like you are not treating me like the individual I am, but like the concept of a generic girlfriend, which I am not.

(The fact that you are the pickiest eater ever, and didn't even ask me if I disliked any of the ingredients when you were cooking... Ok, I must be the most critical human being in the planet for being annoyed about a milk box in my fridge, but I guess that's how I select people that come near me, to see if they really care)

And all that makes me not feel guilty about seeing the other guy, the one that doesn't compliment me at all and only talks about himself, but makes interesting conversation and doesn't make me question my fridge's personal space.

"if you ever meet someone who is willing to create worlds with you, make it work."

You will get hurt? Hurt, are you sure that's the word? I have been hurt before, badly, because I expected things from people, and I have hurt people because I didn't do what I had given signs I would do. You already expect something from me? You hardly know me... It took me almost a whole month but I have finally understood why that sounded so weird.

I don't want to think less of you just because you are being open about your feelings, but it just seems... foolish. Have you not learned, have you not been hurt, have you not been broken?