I dealt with it

That whole situation that stabbed at the scar of the past betrayals, I sort it out, all by myself, with no help (definitely no help from you). And that makes me feel strong, independent, that as long as what's hurting is inside of me, I can deal with it, I can change. Because I can't change what hurts me from the outside/reality, but I have all the power in the world to change what's inside of me.

But then I think how much I miss the idea of being with you, and I don't feel so strong or independent, but neither I feel weak and depended. I feel… Romantic? That same feeling that I through it had been killed off with my dealings. And it's still there, and yeah, it makes me sad and it hurts me, but I don't want to change that, because I didn't think I would be able to feel like this again.

Maybe

..."very high probability of never cheating on me" has gained too much priority (nothing more trustworthy than a divorce trauma, I should know)

...my internal dialogues have gone so far that external validation has become unnecessary, meaning I'm completely self sufficient on my own storyline and others are only props.

...maybe I'm setting myself another trap.

...maybe I just gave up.

...maybe I made the right choice?

it's mine

I have been feeling so amazingly happy with my body lately, and (I think, and hope) that feeling comes so disconnected from any outside sources, just makes it even better.

and I was afraid of writing about this, but the purest truth is that I hope you feel like this some day, at whatever weight or situation, because, you know, you are fucking amazing.

Ms Pink

your wrappings piss the fuck out of me, seriously.

Lies

It's not true that I dump every guy that treads me right.
I dump the ones that only tread me superficially right, but actually give no consideration to my individual characteristics and needs. It's too easy being the nice guy.

"the pathway to me is guarded by intricate tests like this one and i watch in amusement as people mostly stumble over them. "

you think just because we had sex, that the path is clear now. What kind of bizarre logic is that?

I get it, for most people, letting their guard down equals sex. But not me, and that makes me feel like you are not treating me like the individual I am, but like the concept of a generic girlfriend, which I am not.

(The fact that you are the pickiest eater ever, and didn't even ask me if I disliked any of the ingredients when you were cooking... Ok, I must be the most critical human being in the planet for being annoyed about a milk box in my fridge, but I guess that's how I select people that come near me, to see if they really care)

And all that makes me not feel guilty about seeing the other guy, the one that doesn't compliment me at all and only talks about himself, but makes interesting conversation and doesn't make me question my fridge's personal space.

"if you ever meet someone who is willing to create worlds with you, make it work."

You will get hurt? Hurt, are you sure that's the word? I have been hurt before, badly, because I expected things from people, and I have hurt people because I didn't do what I had given signs I would do. You already expect something from me? You hardly know me... It took me almost a whole month but I have finally understood why that sounded so weird.

I don't want to think less of you just because you are being open about your feelings, but it just seems... foolish. Have you not learned, have you not been hurt, have you not been broken?

Lesson Learned

Now I really know bad things happen when you tread sex like a commodity to be earned by the man, like him doing a baby voice in bed.

Hostage

You are playing a women's game, but I'm not dumb enough to play the man.

toothbrush

I guess I'm just making the choice of hurting myself and others, instead of allowing others the opportunity to hurt me.

you know i love you, right?

i don't tell you enough...

Be Like Water

Today I met an old friend, who looooves pointing out how "young" I am because I was 15 when we met. His friend, a very awesome hipster, said "you don't look your age, you seem to have your shit together"

I will put that together with a few friends that told me I look "tough", and the cute guy who knew me for 5 minutes and said I behaved very "lightly" (in a non-commited, non-depesrate way), and say that fuck, I'm good at giving the wrong impressions.

Competition

I don't want to feel like I'm filling (feeling?) someone else's role/hole.

But it's weird isn't, it's our pasts that make us interesting, and also our future/s.

don't tell

Sometimes I realise I don't have any secrets. I try not to be an over sharer, but I have a hard time thinking of something I have done that I'm deeply ashamed of, that I wish none ever finds out (shame is such a strong feeling for me, that I do everything possible to avoid it, so I just stop myself before I do anything that I think might cause me shame... which leads to a kind of boring life sometimes)

Sometimes I think that not having secrets might not be such a positive thing. Maybe it's healthy having some secrets?

Sometimes I think I'm just fooling myself, that I'm so good at keeping my own secrets, I keep them from myself.

Sometimes I think my secret is that I'm a girl.

overreacting

I need some distraction, so here it goes...

you like travelling, and you talked a lot.

you are irish, and you wear glasses.

you recognised stuff from my music library, and you look like that character from that book.

you went though my books, and you are kind of shy.

and you, yes you, you are sweet and sleeping in your arms is the best, but your heartbeat is just not right.

so yeah, let me spread my attention as much as I can, to avoid thinking about you.

and frustation.

Doing my best

Why do I keep treating people the way they don't treat me?

pleased to meet you

"You just need to go out there and meet some new people!"
Sure. That's good advice, in theory. But tell me: WHERE should I go? WHO should I meet?

The world is full of people. Everywhere I go I see them. The people. They're on the public transport. Streets. Supermarkets. Other appartments in my building. But they don't seem to be the specific people who I want (need? hope) to meet.
I think this is because I am looking for a serious connection. I'm looking for someone to share something important with me. It's not something you can get right away just from "meeting" any of those people who tread around the buses, the corridors, the bars, the short courses. I don't need to MEET people. I need to KNOW people.

Cliche

Do we talk about the lack os sex because we are afraid of talking about the lack of love?

Passe

Nice choice of words, as always (looks like I can't go near someone that doesn't respect words)

All it takes to get hurt is to care

So this is how it ends, not with a bang but with a whimper

I don't care for you enough to be your girlfriend, bur I care enough to get hurt, and that's just the wrong amount of it.

I need attention, and ironically you have a deficit of it.

Guns: Maybe I'm enjoying a bit too much dating your opposite.

Self-a-where?

If I'm not me right now

then who is?